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The latest Cultural Satires, updated July 10, 2010 |
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The political satire column, "Flatiron Letter" by Marcia Pally has been published in the "Frankfurter Rundschau" since 2001.
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — July 10, 2010
New Yorkers pride themselves on being many things: speedy, rude to visitors, entrepreneurial, speedy, determined, speedy and resilient. Lately, there’s been endless yatter about our resilience, as temperatures rose to 103 degrees (F), nearly reaching the high of 106F in 1936. Some curmudgeons noted that 103 would be mild in Riyadh (where this week it was 111) or Baghdad (117). But that misses the point: in this heat, we’re still speedy. When was the last time you saw a Saudi (think robes) be speedy?
More impressive, NY squirrels are speedy. Even in this heat, they jump 10 times the length of their body and dash up and down trees by rotating their ankles 180 degrees so they can hold on no matter what direction they’re going. Their peripheral vision lets them see up, down, and sideways without moving their heads. Ever see a Saudi jump like that? Or a camel?
The NY squirrel tail shunts heat away from the body. Their yellow eye lenses are natural sunglasses. Saudis and Iraqis, by contrast, have to buy junk plastic You’ve heard that camels store a lot of water. Perhaps. But NY squirrels survive on discarded MacBurgers as well as nuts, which they bury and re-bury to delude squirrel-thieves. They also pretend to bury nuts while hiding them for later storage elsewhere — strategic intelligence a heck of a lot better than what Iraq has.
Finally, NY squirrels learn from others. At street corners, you’ll see them wait until the people cross before crossing as well — intelligence greater than a lot of species I know.
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — July 3, 2010
Owing to the kindness of friends who have repeated and repeated them for me, I’ve finally understood the basic rules of soccer. But one thing remains puzzling during the World Cup: the flag mania. Fortunately I was tipped off to the answer by a friend who, entertaining us at dinner, recalled his youth and the codes men used in gay bars to signal their preferred sort of sex. A handkerchief in the right jeans pocket meant one preference, in the left, another, keys in front, a third, and so on. An effective system; all those awkward questions — “do you like this? That? Slower? Lower? Higher?” — made unnecessary.
Now I understand all the little German flags on cars from Achen to Frankfurt Oder. One stuck in the left taillight means hetero, on the right, homosexual. One in each taillight, bisexual. Two flags crossed in either taillight means trans-gender. One affixed horizontally to the car, pointing right, must be pre-op trans-sexual, to the left, post-op.
Flags at the hood of the car? Oral preferences. Flag bumper stickers? Anal. Flags around the entire car: bondage-and-discipline. And the new little covers, in German flag colors, for the side-view mirror? Blindfolding, of course.
Flag colors wrapped around the steering wheel were a bit confusing: is that someone who wants to dominate or be dominated? Given the tempers of dominatrixes, I wouldn’t want to get that wrong.
And what about cars with no flags? A preference for privacy? Nah — if you’ve taken off all your flags, you’re an exhibitionist.
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — June 26, 2010
Outrage against the tragic Gulf of Mexico oil spill has been unanimous. Or nearly so. Or anyway, it was till this week, when Judge Feldman of New Orleans blocked Obama’s six-month moratorium on the deepest-water drilling projects. The drilling, Feldman said, must continue, because stopping would harm Louisiana business.
Some might think that the oil spill harmed Louisiana business. And the economies and environments of all the Gulf states. But they’re wrong. Obama thought the country should wait until we have the results of the oil-spill investigation, to know more about the spill’s causes and how to prevent them in the future. But he’s wrong. Representative Ed Markey (Democrat, Massachusetts) said, “The only thing worse than one oil spill disaster would be two oil spill disasters.” But he is wrong.
The moratorium lasts 6 months and affects 33 projects, not the vast majority of drilling sites. So some might think that Louisiana’s economy will not be so harmed. But they’re wrong. Representative Darrell Issa (Republican, California) said oil firms will take their business to other countries, though nearly all US drilling will continue. And he’s right. So a coalition of oil businesses sued to block the moratorium. The state of Louisiana backed the businesses. And they’re right.
Some have noted that Judge Feldman, a 1983 appointee of market-deregulator Ronald Reagan, until recently owned oil-company stock, including in Transocean, which owns the current spill. They suggest this might affect his objectivity in the court case. But I guess they’re wrong.
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — June 19, 2010
Germany is a sexist country. I know this because when the unmarried Frau Bishop Kaesmann ran a red light while in her car was a male passenger to whom she was not married, it was a scandal. But in conservative South Carolina, when Nikki Haley competes to be the gubernatorial candidate, she wins the primary, despite multiple accusations of adultery.
Feminism be praised! If I had any doubts about it, they’re gone. Now women can be as immoral as men, and get away with it, like men. This is what we mean by the progress of civilization.
But can women be Republican? I mean, being totally scummy and heartless to your husband is one thing, but being Republican is quite another. Yet across the nation, nearly all the major women candidates who won — from California’s classic business-friendly Meg Whitman to Nevada’s populist tea-party heroine Sharron Angle — were GOP. Sarah Palin called them “mama grizzlies.”
The media was shocked. Shocked! “Feminism” has always meant “progressive.” Women candidates cannot be conservative.
It is indeed shocking. For as we know, all women think the same — progressive. Never mind that Angela Merkel is conservative. Women think with their ovaries, so they don’t have the variety of views held by men, who never “think” with their sexual organs. And Maggie Thatcher was conservative. And Condoleezza Rice — not only a woman but black!
This is unacceptable — impossible! I’m with the progressive press. They are certainly not being sexist when they think all women should be progressive like they are.
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — June 12, 2010
One cannot help the Germans out. In NY, every other tourist is delighted for a little assistance. But not Germans. If you helpfully approach a group of Japanese clustered at a corner trying to figure out which way to hold the map, you get a chorus of “AHHHH SOOOOO,” 17 grins and little bows which they try not to do, since they know we don’t, but which they swing into automatically, making them look like hiccups. If, in ESL-English, you explain that walking left will end them in the river and that walking right might be a better way to get to MOMA, they will send you their ancestors’ ashes in thanks.
Ditto for South Koreans, though they want to give you the gift of Jesus in gratitude. Tourists from China to Spain, Latin America to Africa and Greece all smile for your help.
But offer help to Germans and you get a deadpan, “No. We have a map.” Ouch. Should I repent or throw myself under a tank? Tourists from Cologne are friendlier; they say “No thank you. We have a map.” Northern Germans say nothing but they say it in Plattdeutsch. Last week, I saved a German couple from divorce. They were furiously fighting about where to go, but when I offered help, were instantly united in a harmonious “No; we have a map.”
My Germans friends have theories as to why this is so, involving Freud, Luther, Luhmann, or Habermas. But the point is that Germans want to do it by themselves. Others don’t always. And now you know why Germany, in the present euro crisis, is shelling out for Greece and Spain.
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — June 5, 2010
Obama’s critics say he should have done more to control the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. Critics of the critics say that’s unfair: unlike Katrina, this is not a natural disaster for which one can blame only God (who sadly cannot be billed for His messes); it is BP’s fault, and BP should clean the mess up.
But I’m with Obama’s critics. It’s government’s fault. Never mind that, had Obama spent taxpayers’ money to fix the spill, he would have been accused of “big government” spending that takes money out of the people’s pockets — the same charge made against his financial bailout. Never mind that, had Obama sought more oil-company regulation, he would have been blamed for hobbling the free market.
It’s the government’s fault because in America, it’s always the government’s fault. It’s in our history and outlook. Anti-authoritarian faith in the entrepreneurial common man and suspicion of government were born in the revolt against London--the Ur “big government.” But born more so in the immigration away from oppressive regimes and traditions towards America’s unregulated, risky and tough but open chances. And born also on 300 years of the frontier — not much government around anyway so “I’ll do it my way,” as Frank Sinatra sang.
So whatever’s wrong, blame D.C. On the left and right, Michael Moore and Sarah Palin, all agree.
Thoughtful Americans recognize that a balance is needed between state action and entrepreneurial civil society. But then, when that balance is not perfect, they blame the government.
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — May 29, 2010
Arizona has passed America’s most severe immigration law, allowing local police — not trained immigration officer — -to demand citizenship papers from anyone anywhere and to arrest anyone with whom the cops are dissatisfied.
Critics carp about the danger of letting cops act on their prejudices, but really, Arizona is right: immigrant criminals and loafers who use up American social services must be kicked out, and there is no difference between them and the 13 million illegal immigrants who do the work native-borns won’t do. And why should we worry about police biases — look how fairly they’ve treated blacks throughout US history.
We should stick to our traditions: barring immigrants was how America was built. Why should we consider, as even conservative NY Times columnist David Brooks has, that immigration strengthens the US economy by enlarging the talent pool: 25% of new stockholder-owned firms are now started by immigrants. Tourism is a top Arizona industry. Why should we wonder who the hotel maids and dishwashers will be when immigrants are out? And why should we recall that in the 19th century, more Americans spoke foreign languages than spoke English, or that from 1860 – 1920, nearly 15% of the population was immigrant (today, 12.5%).
Why should we ask what it means that 41% of those aged 45 – 64 want to decrease immigration while only 24% of younger Americans do; most have a “welcome all” approach. Critics complain that Arizona’s law is racist. But maybe it’s something else: Maybe it’s just Alzheimers.
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — May 22, 2010
A letter to US Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas.
Dear Justice Thomas,
You disagree with the new Court ruling prohibiting “life without parole” for juvenile offenders (except when they commit murder). You especially disagree with the idea that modern values differ from those in the past and so you hold that only the practices of the 18th-century, when our Constitution was written, pertain to current law.
I completely agree and wish to ask for your help in applying these 18th century customs. Though US slaves were at the time black, your ancestors among them, I wonder if this restricts me to only blacks or may I own Latino and Asian slaves as well. (I assume white slaves are prohibited.) The Latinos and Asians in my neighborhood resist enslavement, sometimes running away when captured. May I whip them myself or must I allow each slave-owner to deal with their own runaways? A similar question pertains to disobedient women. How thick may the stick be with which females are beaten?
The 18th century required the death penalty or deportation for hundreds of offenses, including minor theft. Should I wait for you to issue such rulings or can I murder the bastards myself? It also allowed capital punishment for criminals as young as 7, but I’ve found that some ask for their teddy bears when taken to the gallows. Is this permitted?
Finally, 18th century folk protested against brutal judges by “tarring and feathering” them — a gruesome torture. I assume you uphold this practice today.
Sincerely,
Marcia Pally
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — May 15, 2010
I opened the newspaper and read: child sexual abuse in the Catholic church, in the Rhineland Protestant church, and among the Taliban, who kidnap “dancing boys” and train them in sexual slavery.
This epidemic might depress some. But in it I found the seeds of world peace. While humankind has not found common values and harmony through politics or religion, child sexual abuse is a truly ecumenical tradition — something the world can agree on. From this, world cooperation and peace may come.
After all, why assassinate a rival if he has a cache of kids you could make use of? Far better to work out a trade deal, and who knows what other sorts of trade will develop once trust in exchanging this vital commodity is established.
Why spy on your enemies, forcing them to tighten security, when they have gigabytes of child-porn to amuse you? Far better to work out a program of information exchange. And who knows what other sorts of information will follow. Perhaps medical information about how to keeps these kids alive a little longer.
And surely it makes no sense to drive into hell those of other confessions if they too believe in child-abuse. In these shared rituals we have the beginnings of mutual recognition and the “Golden Rule” Kantian ethic of doing to others what you would have them do unto you.
We have not yet reached these noble goals because Catholic, Protestant and Muslim child abusers have been isolated, working alone rather than together. Brothers, let come join together for Perpetual Peace.
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — May 8, 2010
Let me introduce the “neo-downtown,” the only thing made in America this year not produced by Steve Jobs (but its rival, the iTown, will be out soon). These are faux city centers (restaurants, movie theaters etc.) created for suburbia by housing developers who realized that the alienation of community-less highways were driving people back to real cities. Which is not good for suburban housing developers.
Neo-downtowns, while not museums and philharmonics, are a good thing for America. In 40 years, the U.S. population will increase by 100 million: Americans have 50% more kids than Germans, Russians, and Japanese, and also more than the Chinese. These people need homes. And since so much of the population will be children, we don’t need philharmonics anyway.
Neo-downtowns are good because of immigration. ½ the world’s skilled migrants come to the US; between 1990–2005, immigrants started 25% of America’s new stockholder-owned firms. Moreover, workers, once in the US, are more productive than elsewhere: 10 times more productive than workers in China.
This is good because it makes Americans rich. Since 1980, the number earning over $105,000 rose by 14%; since 2000, 60% earned over $100,000 for at least 1–2 years.
This is good because when Americans get rich, they give to the poor. By 2007, private giving surpassed $300 billion.
Getting rich is also good because it means Americans move to suburban neo-downtowns. Which I believe was the goal in the first place.
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — April 24, 2010
I’m aware that the US Securities and Exchange Commission thinks Goldman Sachs cheated. G-S sold “CDOs” (collateralized debt obligation) on the idea that the CDOs would increase in value, which is why people bought them. But one of the guys who put the CDOs together, John Paulson, was betting that CDOs would fail. They did. Paulson made a bundle; everyone else lost.
Many now say that, had investors known Paulson was betting on failure, they would not have bought CDOs, or that had rating agencies known, they would not have given CDOs—essentially just a bet--good ratings.
But I’m delighted that Goldman Sachs inaugurated the CDOs. I agree with Sean Egan, managing director at Egan-Jones Ratings, who says, “Such instruments facilitate the flow of capital.” And not only capital from your pocket to Paulson’s. CDOs are a $20 billion/ year business. What’s not to like?
Besides, G-S has given me a few business ideas. First, I’m going to get you to bet that Joe’s new car is going to work. I’m not telling you, however, that I’m betting the engine will fall out. Why would you want to know that? Second, I’d like you to bet that his marriage will work out. I’m just not saying that I’m betting on the (cute) secretary. Third, I’d like to you to bet that Joe’s belief in God will work out. I’m just not saying I’m betting on Mammon.
What’s great about CDOs is that I really can sell all of these bets. So what that they add nothing to society. And maybe the secretary will run off with a gypsy, and you’ll make a bundle.
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — April 17, 2010
Michael Haneke’s Das weisse Band is considered a disturbing film in America. I thought I knew why. But I was wrong.
I thought the film is about an aspect of German culture wherein blame, guilt, and abuse (justified by one’s ostensible blameworthy-ness) engender a rage that is paradoxically self-protective and wildly vindictive — rage at the abusers but also at any poor soul one can kick.
But I’m wrong. Kayoko, an American junior professor, says the film is about the disturbance of “the harmony,” as she put it to our colleague Mike O’Malley. I personally did not find many characters to be “harmonious” with. And imposing a patina of “harmony” on such a cultural tinderbox would just about blow the lid. But Kayoko says I’m wrong.
Bill, a Jewish-American writer angrily thought it “convenient” for modern Germans to explore antecedents to Nazism without reference to Jews. I didn’t see much “convenient” in the film. The psychological perversity depicted encompasses but exceeds German-Jewish relations And while Germany has devoted decades to mending those, Haneke’s point is that it has not repaired this. But Bill says I’m wrong.
Charles, a British-American conservative, said the film was about modernity’s sad destruction of authority. I thought the film was a critique of authority, But Charles says, I’m wrong again.
O’Malley says the film’s about what happens when there isn’t enough beer around. And I thought: we can’t agree on a film story. How did the American hegemon accomplish anything at all?
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — April 10, 2010
The world, it seems, is agog at Hank Johnson’s Congressional statements last week. Johnson (D-Georgia) worried that increasing the US military presence on Guam, only 7 miles at its narrowest, would cause the island to tip over, Titanic style, and slide into the sea.
I see why the world is laughing. The proposed increase in troops — a few thousand people — would of course not “tip” Guam. But has anyone considered the potential danger to the island of Manhattan — with 8 million people?
Each morning a few million rush to jobs on one end of the island, the southern one, the financial district. Now I understand why I have to put small pieces of cardboard underneath the table legs in my apartment, to even them out. We’re tipping towards Wall St.! And why it’s easier to jog southwards than northwards. Johnson skeptics have suggested it’s because of the hills. But we know it’s because of the “tip” south, into the Atlantic.
Forget about global warming, rising oceans, and islands slipping below sea level. By the time Southeast Asia is endangered, we’ll have gone the watery way of Leonard DiCaprio.
No one is reporting this. The rest of America would happily see “sin city” gurgle under. But I had hoped that Europe would notice. Europe! — with its social market economies, workers’ committees, and national health insurance. Don’t you see this Wall St. tilt is what’s really meant by “slipping into the grip of international capitalism”?!
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — April 3, 2010
Why is it always the Book of Revelations? Why don’t right-wing, gun-toting, anti-government, nativist, racist militias read the Bible’s other books? I had to as a child. But no, the Hutaree militia of Michigan, Indiana and Ohio, in plotting to kill police as a spark to an antigovernment uprising, got only as far as that one book. They’d get an “F” in Mrs. Fishler’s Bible class.
No wonder they think the police are “foot soldiers” for the government, which is part of a “new world order” to take over the planet for the Antichrist. If you read Revelations enough, you’ll think the Easter Bunny is the Antichrist. It’s quite moderate of them, actually, to think only that Javier Solana is. And that the EU is a sign of “new world order” success.
And what about the name “Hutaree”? They hold it means “Christian solider,” which it certainly does not in Hebrew or Septuagint Greek. Another “F” in Biblical languages.
While they are in jail, I suggest a long course in the latter half of Exodus and all of Leviticus. There they can read how to build the Tabernacle, plank by plank, screw by screw — something like Ikea instructions as thick as the Manhattan phone book. Or how to sew priestly garb, hip girdle by hip girdle, and how to distinguish thousands of “unclean” animals from clean ones, and the putrid skin of leprosy from other pus-filled ailments.
These are the exciting skills you need to survive the Armageddon. Forget Revelations; it’s all special effects and won’t do you a bit of good when the Antichrist destroys the world.
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — March 27, 2010
Obama’s health care plan passed Congress with just a few votes and a confetti of fear. It was called a tyrannical takeover of individual rights. It fueled “tea-party” anti-tax protests and calls for armed resistance.
This might look a bit mad. But Ann, a Republican healthcare worker in Idaho, where I visited last week, is quite sane.
Her diagnosis of the present system includes its failure to insure 46 million and its ridiculously high costs owing to: the “greed of corporate America”; “blackmail” by pharmaceutical firms whose drugs are patented without cost controls or competition; the inefficiency of dealing with scores of different private insurers with different rules, payments, etc.
It’s the same diagnosis as Michael Moore’s in “Sicko.” I commiserated and told her that when I’m in Germany, medical costs are so low that I pay the “top” private rates out-of-pocket. Ann, no fool, knew that this is because of government subsidies and cost controls — which she hates. “I’m a capitalist,” she said, “where everyone has the chance to make as much money as he can.” Even the drug companies? “You bet.” And government is never a solution — not even to corporate greed.
Ann’s solution is her church’s all-volunteer free medical clinic for the uninsured, to which she devotes herself. It imposes no religion on clients.
The socialist philosopher Terry Eagleton has noted the callousness of our massive state care systems. Ann’s church will not solve 46 million. But it’s interesting how much she shares with Eagleton and Moore.
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — March 20, 2010
Florida regularly gets hurricanes, NY almost never. But I had to fly from NY to Orlando in the only NY hurricane since 1938.
My flight was delayed an hour, then three, then cancelled. Thousands of people roamed the airport on lines to get rebooked — onto cancelled flights. Around midnight, I was put on standby for the morning. The agent said she had faith. I was becoming an atheist.
Through a hotel hotline, I got a reservation for a room which — I was told at the hotel — didn’t exist. Hundreds of people roamed the lobby for rebookings. The concierge never got upset. Her first job, she said, was as a teacher for two-year-olds. She poured about 0,3L of vodka into my glass.
Back at JFK at 6 a.m., I was standby number 6, then 5, 4 . . . 3 . . . At 9:30, I got a boarding pass! Faith was returning. Until they yanked me off the plane because someone who leisurely strolled to the gate at 9:31 had a “confirmed” seat. There is no justice. God is dead.
Same procedure on the next flight. Though hundreds of flights had been cancelled, no airline added flights for us cancelled-flight refugees. Moses had 40 years in the desert. I could be at JFK for that long.
Then I remembered the sacred words: get a supervisor. He discovered the Holy Grail: a confirmed seat — though on an oversold flight. I would never get on as standby, he said, but I’d be ok with a confirmed ticket for a seat that didn’t exist because the flight was oversold.
Americans fear a state health plan because the state is incompetent. Do private businesses work any better?
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — March 13, 2010
Now we know: it is not a man’s world. How do we know? Because if you drink more, you gain weight less. If you’re a woman. At least in the US. This is America’s latest contribution to the world.
According to a new study, the risk of becoming overweight was nearly 30% lower for women who had 1–2 alcoholic drinks a day over 13 years than for women who didn’t. Forget those cilantro-spinach health shakes, ladies; have another tequila. Red wine is best at reducing fat cells and it’s good for the heart. I’m buying stock in Bordeaux.
This female weight loss seems to occur though alcohol is high in calories: 100 in 29ml of whisky, 150 in a glass of wine or 0.3 liter bottle of beer. If one is a civilized woman who has a Cosmopolitan before dinner (vodka, triple sec, lime and cranberry juice; it’s a fabulous pink, served in a Martini glass) and then shares a bottle of wine in the course of the meal, that’s 700 calories in addition to whatever solids you’re consuming. But it doesn’t matter. For girls.
That’s because men add booze to food while women are clever enough to substitute it, reducing overall caloric intake. Also, in nature’s wonderful plan, alcohol quickens female metabolism, burning more calories. But not men’s. Guys, forget beer; learn to love fat-free soy-milk with your soccer game.
Sadly, a bit of a shadow is cast upon this happy feminine picture by the data that regular drinking also increases breast cancer risk. But heck, you can’t have everything. At least we girls will look good when we die.
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — March 6, 2010
Getting into the US is tough. But getting into a NY apartment is tougher.
If one is changing apartments, as I now am, one must get through the COOP BOARD. By comparison, Stalin and Dick Cheney were amateurs.
The COOP BOARD are the building residents who decide if I’m worthy of an apartment. It is easier for a camel to get through the eye of a needle…. They require a complete credit check, several tax returns, documentation of everything I’ve earned since that lemonade sale in the 3rd grade, and letters from friends, colleagues, employer, current landlord, and tax accountant. If you’re smart enough to do your taxes by yourself and have no accountant, you’re out.
I was able to get these documents, in PDF format, like most documents are these days. Billion-dollar deals are signed and concluded via PDF. But PDFs, the Stalin-Cheney clones boomed, are not good enough! First rung of purgatory for me.
All letters must be signed with what a “wet” signature (ink). Perhaps this is a test, I thought, to see if the applicant resists the obvious pornographic suggestions. I failed. Second rung of purgatory.
We redid all the documents to be “wet”—but how wet? Will ball point suffice? Fountain pen? Feather quill? Must we smudge all the signatures to prove that they were once wet, though they are now dry? Perhaps we should spit on them. Should each signer roll his/her index finger in the ink to leave a fingerprint as well? Would signing in blood suffice?
No wonder there are so many homeless in NY!
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — February 27, 2010
No sooner did Margot Kaessmann become bishop of Germany’s Protestant church than she got herself into a scuffle about whether Germans should be fighting on the roads of Afghanistan. Now there’s a scuffle about whether she should be on the roads of Germany. She ran a red light in Hannover, and not only any red light but after having imbibed over three times the legal limit for alcohol, endangering her life. And not only her own, but that of an unidentified man, a passenger in her car. And not only any car, but an official church car. Good Lord. What are the Protestants teaching in ethics classes these days?
Kaessmann resigned. The Protestant Church is embarrassed. But the Catholics have nothing to gloat about. They have the private parts of little boys all over Germany on their consciences in a national pedophile scandal.
So what’s the tally: pious Protestants drink and drive. Pious Catholics abuse children.
Sort of makes Islam sound not so bad! They don’t drink, so no intoxicated driving. I don’t know if the way to heaven is through Allah, but the way to road-safety certainly is. So far, no Muslim pedophile scandals. All told, they are a group of high morals. You’re worried about female education? If girls were not educated they would not become bishops and run red lights. You’re worried about “honor” killings? What’s wrong with them? They uphold family morals!
If Germany wants to return to the moral path, it seems Islam is the only choice. Allahu Akbar.
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — February 20, 2010
The capture last week of a Taliban leader is small stuff. The real fight is the Twitter Chefschlacht, capturing the passions of America.
Last week, Chef Joe Dobias moved his troops into NY, tweeting that, during the blizzard, food deliveries from upstate had arrived but not the local fish. His fish supplier retaliated. The tweets escalated. The final casualty list is as yet unknown but hundreds of civilians were wounded by lack of a fish course.
This operation follows the January attacks against food critics hiding in the caves of HYPERLINK "http://www.yelp.com/nyc" Yelp.com — forget Tora Bora — from which they launch stealth raids. The attacks aimed at forcing critics into a fight in the open restaurant. But they have retreated deeper into Yelp.com or across the boarder into Eater.com.
In an unprecedented attack against civilians, Chef Ulrich Sterling Twitter-blasted customers who e-mail during dinner. Collateral damage to Blackberry was significant, though no damage to the iPhone has been reported.
For some in the remote villages of HYPERLINK "http://www.foodbuzz.com/" Foodbuzz and HYPERLINK "http://chowhound.chow.com/boards" Chowhound, it is a fight for power, for others, to free their territory of foreign occupiers. “Before Twitter,” said one chef’s wife through a translator from the Losangelese dialect, “restaurants were controlled by the press.” For others, it is a fight for democracy. “Now we have a voice,” said one woman who opened her own eatery thanks to a UN program that teaches marketable skills to girls.
Al Qaeda has pretty good e-communication. Maybe we should get them jobs in the restaurants of the US.
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — February 13, 2010
When you want to know which bio-seaweed enhances youth, which zinc compound protects your immune system or boosts your sex life, do you ask your doctor? A homeopath?
A waste of time. You need ask only this question: What would Jesus eat?
“Your Heavenly Father, in His infinite wisdom, knows which foods are fit for you,” says HYPERLINK "http://www.hem-of-his-garment-bible-study.org/" Hem-of-His-Garment-Bible-Study.org But if you are unsure how to reach the holy grail of thinner thighs and a cleansed colon, preachers across America are eager to help.
The Hallelujah Diet, guaranteeing “60 Days to a Hallelujah Waistline,” is 100% vegan, 85% raw, and — forget about the eucharist — includes the BarleyMax supplement for just $39.95 — a bargain, considering that manna of phosphatidylcholine runs $125 for 240 ml, polyenylphosphatidylcholine, $185 for 300 tablets. That’s 298 more than the two Moses got for free.
Or, you could follow another man of God and load up on soybeans, quinoa, kefir, mahi-mahi, and umeboshi paste. The mahi-mahi gospel conflicts with another apostle, who believes we should be vegetarian: “Genesis 1:29, I have given you every herb that yields seeds . . . and every tree . . . to you it shall be for food.” And this conflicts with Genesis 9:3: “Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you.” But trust in Jesus. He will explain when He returns.
Till then, you can wonder why 30% of Baptists are obese, 22% of Pentecostals, 17% of Catholics, compared to 1% of Jews and 0.7 percent of Muslims, Hindus and Buddhists. Yet do not judge harshly: who among us can cast the first stone?
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — February 6, 2010
Last week, John McCain lambasted Obama’s plan to allow gays openly in the military —and he’s absolutely right. The present policy, requiring gays to lie about their lives even as they risk them to defend their country, makes absolute sense. It was implemented in 1993, when Colin Powell attacked Clinton’s attempt to end anti-gay discrimination, and it has successfully defended Colin’s colon — and all other hetero-colons — from gay predation ever since.
Thank goodness hetero males are not predatory. There is no abuse of women in the military. Indeed, we have achieved such gender equality that it’s not the women who need protection but the men. No wonder we’ve failed to subdue the Taliban and Al Qaeda. Maybe we need more women on the job.
Never mind that gays serve openly in 28 countries, including US allies in Afghanistan, where gay soldiers have not damaged US forces. Or so said Admiral Mike Mullen. He also said that the 1993 policy is a “costly failure.” Who cares what he says — his father was a Hollywood press agent. You know who hangs out in Hollywood.
And never mind the 69% of Americans who favor policy change. Or the nearly 14,000 troops who’ve been discharged under the present policy. America doesn’t need soldiers for its two wars.
McCain and Senator Saxby Chambliss (Georgia) are right. Chambliss says that loosening anti-gay restrictions would loosen all, leading to “alcohol use, adultery, fraternization and body art.” Of course, there is alcohol and adultery in the military. But body art! That’s where I draw the line.
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — January 30, 2010
Big week this week: we have the World Economic Forum in Davos, the conference on Afghanistan in London, and the world security conference in Munich. The last two address terrorism directly, Davos indirectly, by talking about economic development. Making people richer is supposed to make them less violent—or at least less violent against rich people. Give those boys in Afghanistan jobs. Then they won’t be lured by Al Qaeda.
Actually, they have jobs. They grow poppy for a lot more than they could get for tomatoes and they traffic in guns, another damn profitable business. Some are busily employed fighting Western armies… The problem isn’t that Afghanistan lacks jobs. It’s that the jobs are in Afghanistan.
Want to stop terrorism? Give them jobs over here—like airport security. If Al Qaeda bigwigs were on every flight, as “security agents.” teenage jihadis wouldn’t blow up those flights. And on the ground, who better to spot terrorists than Al Qaeda? Our Christmas-in-Detroit terrorist wouldn’t have had a chance had a guy at check-in said, “Hey, he’s my cousin. I know he’s trigger-happy. No flying for him.” You don’t need full-body-scanners when Al Qaeda can spot the bodies with clothes on.
No more FBI or CIA failures to “connect the dots.” No more bureaucratic blockages. Instead, market efficiency: Al Qaeda is the world’s best information agency about terrorism. Stop wasting money on government intelligence and pay the experts for their expertise.
Put this way, neo-liberalism doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — Jan. 23, 2010
I love Marlene Connolly, age 73, of North Andover, MA. I’ve never met her, but she explained what the pundits could not: why last week a Republican won the Massachusetts Senate seat, held by a Democrat for half a century — not any Democrat but the progressive icon Ted Kennedy, who recently died. And not any Senate seat but the one that gave the Democrats the 60-seats needed to stop a Republican filibuster. And not any filibuster, but the one against Obama’s health care plan.
Massachusetts could kill US health care reform. Or so the pundits screamed. But Marlene knows health care per se was not the issue.
MA voted Republican to “stop the giveaways” and “get jobs going,” Marlene said. “Giveaways” is the great sin — giving people something they did not earn. It violates our sacred “self-reliance,” fair opportunity but no extra help. And it is especially sinful when government gives it to them, for government is the devil that will crush your opportunity and rights.
So any government that doesn’t make itself smaller is suspect. Obama’s bailout package is seen as “giveaways” to rich corporations: bad. Though the Republicans would have given corporations more, they would have regulated less — and that’s “small government.” Good. What Obama did was “socialism.” Obama’s health plan has a government insurance option: bad. It gives health care when people haven’t earned it and enlarges the state. That’s “socialism.”
Brown campaigned as Joe-the-plumber in a pickup truck. He champions tax cuts, “small government.” Good.
I got tired of reading the pundits. Thanks, Marlene, for telling it like it is.
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — Jan. 16, 2010
I saw Avatar, the new hit by James (Titanic) Cameron, on a trip to Berlin. It is the perfect movie—to hate.
If you’re a conservative, you can hate that the bad guys are the US military. If you’re a progressive, you can love that the bad guys are the US military — and hate that the film repeats every self-congratulatory trope of American film-making. Oh yeah, and it’s racist.
To begin, (mostly white) Americans arrive at a wilderness filled with beautifully muscular if naïve natives who are at one with nature. The natives ride speeding horse-birds the likes of every stallion in the Wild West. Some whites befriend the natives (as we say about Thanksgiving); the scientist appreciates and wants to study them (as we say about missionaries). Our Cowboy-Hero, an ex-Marine, gives up his military machismo and becomes one of the natives (America can ever renew itself) Indeed, he becomes the best of them. And so he gets the princess. Think Pocahontas. And he saves them from the bad guys, the environmental despoilers — think Dances with Wolves — because the natives can’t make it without our help. And hey, the hero has to be the white guy anyway.
In the end, the eco-cowboys and the despoiler-cowboys shoot it out. Now that is new. It comes down to a one-on-one duel between Our Hero and the baddest guy. Think High Noon. Guess who wins.
In the first 3 weeks of Avatar’s release, it earned more money than any other film save Titanic itself. But sometimes, it’s just embarrassing to see an American movie when I’m overseas.
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau— Jan. 9, 2010
When Superman flew the skies, folks cried out, “It’s a bird. It’s a plane. No — it’s superman!” When Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab flew the skies (to blow up Detroit), folks scream, “It’s an intelligence-gathering failure! No! It’s intelligence-analysis failure! No—it’s bureaucratic turf war!”
On 9/11, the State Department’s top-suspect list had 61,000 names. Only 12 were on the Federal Aviation Administration “no fly” registry. Today, the FAA no-fly list has 4,000 names, but not Abdulmutallab’s.
How do we manage such effectiveness? We might look to an elite military program set up to train 912 experts to work on Afpak for five years. Volunteers receive cultural and language training, and over time build competence so that US policies are guided by people who know what they’re doing.
The US entered Afghanistan in 2001. This program got going in 2009 — which means, I suppose, that US policy has so far been guided by people who don’t know what they’re doing.
To date, 172 have volunteered for the program. But only some are what Joint Chiefs of Staff Adm. Mike Mullen calls the “best and the brightest.” The rest, he said publicly, may not be qualified.
The problem getting good people, it seems, is that the 5-year program diverts volunteers from the usual upward career track. Meaning that if you sign up, your rewards diminish. Meaning the US military created a program which is a disincentive to join.
Why do we think that people who create disincentives for expertise can use the computer “search” function with a list of 61,000 names?
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — Jan. 2, 2010
What have we learned from 2009?: The rich get richer and the rest of us get nowhere. You don’t say. Housing prices are now as they were a decade ago. US unemployment was the same in Dec., 2009 as in 1999. Even in the boom of 2007, median US income was the same or lower than in 1999.
This is because: banks are greedy. No! If you give them billions in a tax-payer bailout, they will spend it--on themselves. This does not mean that governments should allow bank defaults that threaten the global economy. It just means that when they do, banks will be greedy.
More news: wars kill people. How ‘bout that. Wars where the new, “good” Germans fight--like Afghanistan--kill people. This does not mean Germans should not fight. Some wars may prevent greater evil. It just means that when they do, they kill people.
And more: Politicians talk nonsense. No! Think of the amount of talk about why politicians didn’t talk about the military mess in Kundus. Think of the Republicans smearing Obama for missing the almost-attack on Christmas day--while the Republicans themselves missed 9/11. The Republicans smear Obama for trying Guantanamo detainees in court, while Bush tried Richard Reid, the shoe-bomber, in court. The Republican mantra of tax cuts and deregulation gave us an economic meltdown, so their prescription for recovery is--tax cuts and deregulation!
One wonders why we celebrate the new year at all. What’s new? Perhaps the iCar, where the GPS navigates, the robotics drive, and we sleep or watch movies about the good old days.
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — Dec. 19, 2009
After Obama’s Peace Prize speech, the US — left and right — glowed in admiration. From whence this sudden unanimity?
Americans generally agree on two things: keep government small enough to allow for liberal markets. And keep government big enough to fell anyone threatening liberal markets — and the political liberty Americans think economic liberalism brings. In his speech, Obama hit the second: about US actions he said, “Commerce has stitched much of the world together. Billions have been lifted from poverty. The ideals of liberty, self-determination, and equality and the rule of law have haltingly advanced.” And he added, force is sometimes necessary to fight evil and bring “prosperity and peace.”
Reagan, JFK, FDR, Wilson, and McKinley were warmed in their graves. Compare Obama with Herbert Hoover (president, 1928–1932), who said liberal trade is “the only safe avenue” for “human progress.” Or with Cordell Hull (FDR’s Secretary of State): “unhampered trade dovetailed with peace.” This is core America, and whoever hits this note, wins.
The problem is with what America has thought evil and brings peace. Obama cited US efforts in Germany and South Korea; true. But not our interventions in Latin America and Southeast Asia since 1898. Oops, 1893 — Hawaii.
Alas, America has been lousy at seeing where its interventions bring “prosperity and peace” and where, not. Obama is trying to distinguish. But so all US leaders thought they were doing. Anyway, niceties of distinction is not why the nation — left and right — loved his speech.
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — Dec. 5, 2009
The problem with being president is that you’re left with all your predecessors’ messes. Obama has an Afghanistan war bungled by Bush, born of the chaos of the ‘90s, which was born of Bush-the-dad’s neglect of Afghanistan after the Soviets left, which was born of Brzezinksi luring the Soviets into Afghanistan during the Cold War, which was born of Truman’s inability to see that his own suspicion of the Soviets was as responsible as Soviet shenanigans for the 45-year super-power hostility.
We should have a different system: when you become president, you start tabula rasa. I’m working on that time-machine history-eraser thing.
Obama also has another inheritance: ally adolescence—the expectation that America will solve all problems without much help from its friends, who criticize America from the comfort of its secure, America-protected borders. Der Spiegel lambasted Obama’s Afghanistan plan for being paradoxical—apparently without noticing that its own demands on America are: we should destroy the region’s terrorism but not wage war or “impose” on Afghan traditions. And without noticing the balance of Obama’s plan: US withdrawal or present troop levels let terrorism flourish, but failing to set a time for withdrawal imposes too much. So, balance: 1.5 years to fight terrorists intensely, plus economic development and integration of moderate Taliban, and then gradual withdrawal.
Could Der Spiegel be trying to justify Germany’s resistance to involvement? If it has a better plan, I’m sure Obama would like to hear it.
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — Nov. 28, 2009
Sarah Palin’s Going Rogue is a bestseller. 600,000 copies sold in 2 days. People camp out overnight to buy the wisdom of the world’s most famous elk killer. Dang—now I know how to get my research to sell: kill a big animal. How big? It’s Thanksgiving this week in the US. Will a turkey do?
Of course there are other reasons for the book’s success. One learns for instance why Palin despises vegetarians: 'If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come he made them out of meat?' And of course, it is the very first of Palin’s works to be translated into actual English. In person, however, it’s still thrilling to hear the serial syntax-killer from Wasilla High, as she was dubbed last year. “And I think,” she said on her book tour, “more of a concern has been not within the campaign the mistakes that were made…”
Poor Obama. The left screams that he’s conceded to the center/right; the center/right, that he’s conceded to the left--while Palin is building a base from the resentment that is eroding his. She is riding on America’s basic feeling for government: throw the bastards out. Or, as Obama called it, “Change.”
If she sticks to this, she won’t get into the kind of trouble she had in Alaska, when the Republican State Senate President said, "She's not prepared to be governor. How can she be prepared to be vice president or president? " Or when she charged Alaska $21,000 for her children to travel with her. That accusation wasn’t fair anyway. After all, when she leaves her kids at home alone, they get pregnant.
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — Nov. 21, 2009
As a result of a trip to Switzerland where I somehow did not spend enough money, I had some Swiss Francs remaining when I returned to New York. I went to a bank to exchange them. A big bank. One with branches all over the world.
Even big fancy banks never have enough tellers in New York. So you wait on line. For quite a while. I don’t know why, but the volumes of business-efficiency studies that have busied managers since industrialization have made it no likelier that they can count how many minutes customers wait on line.
Never mind. I reached the teller, to whom I gave the Swiss Francs. And then I waited as she typed things into her computer. A very long wait. More typing. Waiting. And so on. Since I can find the exchange rate in 9 seconds on my laptop, I wondered if she was perhaps catching up on her tweeting, or ordering shoes online. After enough time for a complete economic cycle to elapse, she told me that every 50 francs would give me 5 dollars. Since the Swiss-US exchange rate is nearly 1-to-1, I, with my advanced math skills, determined that could not be right. When I suggested there might be a mistake, she shook the money at me and screamed, “These are from France, right?”
France? I didn’t have the heart to tell her they were Swiss. Or to actually look at the bills. Or that France has been using the euros for years.
Very fancy articles have been written about the origins of the 2008 financial crisis. But has anyone considered that it was just incompetence?
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — Nov. 14, 2009
What would we do without celebrations of the Berlin Wall Fall? I love them because they make us feel so good about our march towards liberty.
Because of them, I can ignore the little wall growing between the US and Mexico, built by Clinton, Bush and Obama, now hundreds of miles long. The Mexicans call it the “new Iron Curtain” but it’s a trifle, I assure you. We can evade the increasing controls at Germany’s eastern borders—this time to keep people out rather than in. A mere bagatelle. Why fret about the Poles—who struggled against the old Iron Curtain--now putting up one of their own: new guards and laws against illegal migrants. A soupcon. We can disregard Spain’s increasing controls against the desperate from North Africa. After all, haven’t we always disregarded Spain?
Let’s not vex ourselves that as many people die annually in treacherous crossings into the US than died in all the years of the Berlin Wall. Or that 500,000 unauthorized migrants risk their lives to enter the EU each year.
But if one is a bit vexed, we can recall all the good things that walls bring. The one between the US and Mexico began with material recycled from army supplies in Vietnam. Recycled! A “green” wall. And the boon to employment! US border police doubled in the 1990s and doubled again this decade. Germany’s border police tripled between 1990-2000. Of course, the demand for human smugglers has soared too, to get the desperate past these new police. In these days of economic crisis, we can’t afford to “Tear down this wall!”
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — Nov. 7, 2009
It was not the international bash of 2008 but we had an election this week. Since the Dems lost the governorships of New Jersey and Virginia, it looks like a conservative comeback. It may not be—but let’s hope the Republicans think it is.
It may not be because polls show that both states remain Obama supporters and voted against Dems whom they thought had not helped the economy. The NJ Dem was a Goldman Sachs man and got all the recession-era ressentiment against Wall St. And he hadn’t actually helped the economy. The Republican’s campaign ran Obama clips about “hope.” In Virginia, the young and minorities voted far les than in 2008, so unsurprisingly older, white conservatives voted for a Republican—but even he downplayed his past opposition to gay and abortion rights, disinvited Palin for a campaign appearance, and praised Obama’s Nobel peace prize.
But let’s hope the Republicans think this means a conservative comeback because it will persuade them to pursue the tactics that they used in upstate NY. There, a moderate Republican was running for Congress but because she favors gay and abortion rights and Obama’s stimulus package, right wingers put up a third, conservative candidate. He got an endorsement on Sarah Palin’s Facebook; Republicans across the country rushed to endorse as well. The moderate dropped out of the race. And the right-winger lost.
Election lessons: right-wingers are persuading only themselves. Palin’s Facebook is not where you want to be. And it’s the economy, stupid.
Marcia Pally Flatiron Letter
Published in the Frankfurter Rundschau — Oct 31, 2009
Friends, the rumor is false. It is not true that America is losing her grip—with the economic crisis, health care crisis… Indeed, signs are everywhere that she remains the world leader. Well, not everywhere—unemployment is disastrous, Afghanistan is a mess. But certainly in her 1,200 community colleges.
These erstwhile catch-alls for drop outs have become job-training stepping stones for immigrants and career-upgraders. Obama allocated $12 billion for them. If you’re a cabbie dreaming of opera management, a KFC cashier longing to be in “imaging technology” (Xrays), a manicurist eager to be an electrician, this is the place for you. Education is the key to the future. Who says America isn’t the avant garde?
Enrollment has soared—up 35% in California. 30,000 of Miami Dade Community College’s 170,000 students were closed out of overbooked courses. Holyoke Community College is so crowded it turned its tennis courts into parking lots. Giving up tennis for education! Who says America can’t adapt to changing times?
And who says we can’t change actual time? We give courses 24/7, for students who work. If you’re a nurse on late shift, you can discuss Chaucer from 5:45 to 7:15. Oregon’s Clackamas Community College has welding classes until 2 a.m., if you trust yourself with burning iron at that hour.
Who says America has lost her ingenuity? I have just one question: in Seoul, they give massages ‘round the clock. If the US is so clever, why don’t we? Isn’t that what one needs after nano-technology at 3:00?
© marcia pally, new york 2005